the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want nice things and good sex
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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