doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
