Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
