Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
