Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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