ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
