Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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