the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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