so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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