I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
