Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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