Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
