apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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