So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
