he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
