Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
