I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
