life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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