Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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