I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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