mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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