i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If I die, sorry about rent.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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