I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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