just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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