When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
