Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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