I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
