Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
