Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
