Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
