no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
