My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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