I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
