my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
ttyl tear gas
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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