I like my sex mixed with concussions.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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