So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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