Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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