she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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