my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Im part way to drunk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
