Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
