you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
