totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
