I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I want a musical about memes.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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