textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
