I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
