Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
