youre lurking in front of me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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