If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
