I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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