does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish you could order shots online.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
