He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ttyl tear gas
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
