Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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